Forgiving the unforgivable can make you achieve success

April 21, 2008 | By travs |

One of the hardest, thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness and to forgive the unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who’ve responded to hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us personally, our default seems to be anger, angst, depression, righteousness, hatred, etc. Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts. Want to live a long, happy life? Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering they’ve purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. As Ann Landers often said, “hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored.”

Steps

  1. Realize that the hate you feel toward your enemy does not harm them in the slightest. Chances are, they’ve gone on with their life and haven’t given you another thought.
  2. Understand that the best revenge against your enemies is to live a successful and happy life. Want to get even with someone who tried to destroy you? Show them and show yourself (and the world) that the obstacles they tried to create were not significant enough to disable you and/or destroy you.
  3. Realize that the second best revenge is to turn the evil into something good, to find the proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud. Remember the biblical story of Joseph, who was thrown into the pit by his own brothers? After many years, Joseph eventually rose to a position of national authority and soon thereafter, his brothers came to him, begging food. He forgave them saying, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.” Think of your enemy as someone who has helped you to grow. Even though unfortunate things happen to us, the best thing we can do is take those opportunities as tests that will either destroy or strengthen us. If you’ve been through something, it didn’t destroy you - take what you learned and become a better person because of it.
  4. Make a list of the good things that happened as a result of this awful experience. You’ve probably focused long enough on the bad parts of this experience. Look at the problem from a wholly new angle; look at the good side. The first item on that list may be a long time coming because you’ve focused on the bad for so long, but don’t give up. Force yourself to find 10 good things that happened specifically because of this experience.
  5. Look for the helpers. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) related that, as a little boy, he’d often become upset about major catastrophes in the news. His mother would tell him, “look for the helpers.” In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and unselfishness.
  6. Look at the bigger picture. Was someone your “good samaritan”? In this biblical story, a traveler happens upon a poor soul who was beat up on the road to Jericho and left for dead. It’s a lot easier to play the part of the Good Samaritan than to be the poor soul who is left bleeding and bruised on the side of the road. Perhaps this isn’t all about you. Perhaps your trial provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you with help and support.
  7. Be compassionate with yourself. If you’ve ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you’ll make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Be patient and kind to yourself. Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body. Give yourself time to heal - physically and emotionally. Eat well. Rest. Focus on the natural beauty in the world.
  8. Learn that the Aramaic word for “forgive” means literally to “untie.” The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all their negativity is to forgive. Loose yourself from them and their ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to them. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from them and the pain.
  9. Learn how to balance trust with wisdom. Forgetting a wrong may be “divine” (to forgive is human, to forget is divine), but it is not wise. It’s a fact that not all of our fellow humans are trustworthy. Painful memories can serve to protect us from future hurts. As author Rose Sweet writes, “A lack of trust is sometimes simply recognizing another’s limitations”.[1]
  10. Pay attention to “the story” you tell your friends, family, fellow bus-riders, etc. How many times this week did you tell “the story” about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you think about this hurt? Revise the story. Or stop telling it altogether. “The story” is a stake driven into the ground that keeps you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy because it’s the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family. Negativity is depressing, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
  11. When your enemy and their evil actions come to mind, send them a blessing. Wish them well. Hope the best for them. This has two effects. One, it neutralizes that acid of hate that destroys the vessel in which it is stored. The evil we wish for another seems to have a rebound effect. The same is true for the good that we wish for another. When you become able to return blessing for hatred, you’ll know that you’re well on the path to wholeness. The first 15 or 150 times you try this, the “blessing” may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate, like dew before the morning sun.

Tips

  • Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning) into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself - in the future - as free of this pain and suffering.

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world’s largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Forgive the Unforgivable. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Related Posts:
Tagged: 
Category: Inspiration, Self Help

RSS feed | Trackback URI

Comments »

No comments yet.

Name (required)
E-mail (required - never shown publicly)
URI
Your Comment (smaller size | larger size)
You may use <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong> in your comment.